August 2021 has been my most prolific writing month, ever. It was prolific in the sense of the volume, quality, and emotional vulnerability I shared.
I joked on Twitter that it was because of a nice vacation I took with my family at the end of July. That was partly true but I attribute it an emotional dam bursting.
I had so much stress this year with my parents and aunt almost dying from Covid19 and then the death of my dog. This stress all came to a head when I was in Provincetown with my partner and children.
I turned my miserable work life into something that made me sing every morning.
My father got out of the hospital a day after we arrived there and later in the week I had to give the ok to have my sister put my dog down. It was a roller coaster of a week, to say the least.
Something changed when I came back home, I wanted to write, and I wanted to get in touch with some deep emotions. I stopped writing on my first blog, Neural Market Trends, because that topic had run its course for me.
It was bittersweet, I had penned a draft post on Medium back in 2019 wanting to shut that blog down but I hesitated. Why? Because I owe so much of my current life to that blog. It's what opened the door for me to the world of Data Science and Machine Learning and helped me make a massive career change at age 44.
You always read about people wanting to make a career change but don't, and they become miserable till they retire. I turned my miserable work life into something that made me sing every morning.
Maybe lightning will strike twice for me?
I was so lucky that I was given the chance to be happy, and with the support of my awesome partner, was able to seize this opportunity. I felt like lightning struck me, my life has been short nothing of electric since then and I've been humbled by the journey.
I penned a few poems and articles in July on new topics I wanted to explore. I was interested in dipping my toes into the vulnerability of emotions, love, sex, parenting, and all the juicy but often confusing things in life. It felt daring, scary, and like I was baring the deepest parts of my soul for everyone to read.
Part of the scary feeling was that I write without a pen name and just for fun. I don't need to make a living from writing but I can dream about being a professional author, an authentic author. Maybe lightning will strike twice for me?
I don't know what the future will hold for me but what I do know is that I have a drive, sometimes a panicky drive, to tell my stories. I have a need to share the good, the bad, and the ugly with you but don't mistake my vulnerability for weakness. It takes a strong person to open up in public and I did that this month, even if it scared the shit out of me.
I want to be authentic to myself…
I wrote so much this August that words just gushed out onto the screen. I shared my story of being a cult survivor and what I think of sex and sexuality. I wrote a few poems and how all we need is love. I dove headfirst into the murky water of emotions and came up for air. I swam further and stronger against the current and wasn't swept away for once.
August was the month where I dropped so many anchors in my life, the emotional and spiritual weight that dragged me down. I unshackled my life and for once felt the sunlight of liberation on my skin. How a blessed warmth it is!
I don't know what the future will hold for me but I know that this is the next phase of my life. I want to be authentic to myself because that's the best way to live.
It's the only way to live.