I’m off the dating scene, have been for many years, so my perspective here is coming as an observer. I know many single women and men of diverse backgrounds and genders and live vicariously through their successes and failures in their dating lives.
Speaking purely as a cis-heterosexual male, these are my observations and why men need to up their game. If they do, the sex will be incredible. Why? Because we men are being misled away from the real prize, a deeply fulfilling love life with a partner or partners.
Women Don’t Like Sex, right?
I don’t know about you but I was told growing up that women didn’t like sex. They would use it to settle (read: trap) down with a well-earning man. They’ll seduce you, get you into bed, give you a few moments of pleasure and then show up at your doorstep 9 months later with your baby.
Of course, the expectation was that you — as an honorable man — would marry them and live thereafter, happily ever after if you were lucky.
When I navigated the dating scene in my early 20’s, I began to realize that women liked sex. When certain parameters were met, like discretion, consent, comfort, compatibility and safety, they pounced. They became sexual beings, which in many cases knocked me over and created a big deal of cognitive dissonance on my side.
My cognitive dissonance started when I played in a punk rock band in the early 90’s. We gigged in and around the Lower East Side of NYC. I lived an alternative musical lifestyle but was surrounded by many other alternative lifestyles.
The bookstore was affectionately known as the “Devil’s Playground.”
The punk rock ethos was simple, do it yourself and fuck societal conventions. In those years I was exposed to all sorts of people, from young punk rock lesbians, foxcore, empowered women, to sex communes, fights, and great music.
Those years were some of the haziest ones in my life but what I can remember, I remember fondly.
Love, Sex, and the Smell of New Books
It was in the months before I moved to New Mexico when my first experience with a woman in control of her sexual agency happened. I graduated from college that year and was looking for a full-time job in my field of study but as the economy was suffering, no one was hiring. I was lucky enough to get a part-time job at a book store. The way I figured it was that $6 an hour was better than $0 an hour and I liked books, so maybe they had an employee discount.
It was through her that I’ve come to know the power of a woman in control of her sexual agency.
The bookstore was affectionately known as the “Devil’s Playground.” I was surrounded by young writers, kinksters, and bohemians. It was wild. There would be hookups in the elevators, trysts in the back room between the shelves, and once or twice oral sex in the romance section.
I met her a few days after working the day shift. I had pinned my name tag to my shirt and accidentally placed the sticky with my name on it off-center from the name tag. I didn’t even know her that well until she walked up to me and said, “Hey, do you know your name is off-center?” I replied, “Yep, that’s me. Always off-center.”
…a woman in control of her sexual agency is terrifying to the patriarchy.
I didn’t know it then but I had just lit the flame of an incredible fire. It wasn’t long till we coupled together and my mind was blown. Our relationship, while doomed from the start, became a small but important chapter in my life. It was through her that I’ve come to know the power of a woman in control of her sexual agency.
Of course, it wouldn’t be years later till I reconciled the dissonance in my head but I never forget my time with her and for helping me all those years later.
Men, the women all around you are speaking up these days. They’re rebelling against the relationship escalator. One size does NOT fit all so why should we only choose one choice? Is that a choice at all?
We men always got a free pass because the patriarchy allowed us to but women? Nope.
We hear it all the time and we get conditioned by it. A woman that likes sex outside of the confines of marriage is a slut. Oh and if you got a girlfriend that likes to get freaky, well she’s not the kinda girl you bring home to mother.
Consent, communication, honesty, and freedom are all valid things I expect for myself
Yet we men are supposed to conquer and get that sex count up there. You’re not a man unless you “bang a lot of broads.”
Why are we men supposed to be very sexual and yet women are supposed to be chaste? It doesn’t seem to work very well now, does it?
The simple answer is this, a woman in control of her sexual agency is terrifying to the patriarchy.
Finally, in today’s world, we’re beginning to see what a world would look like when women are no longer sexually repressed. They want to be free and they want to own their sexuality.
…we were never taught to consider women as sexual beings.
This is NOT a novel concept and with the loosening of the chains that held them down, new demands and new rules are being made in real-time.
Consent, communication, honesty, and freedom are all valid things I expect for myself, so why shouldn’t women have it as well? For the men reading this and if you can internalize the new rules of engagement, the sex and your relationships will be mind-blowing. Your world will be rocked when a woman unleashes her raw sexual power on you.
And for the few men that already understand this, it’s pure bliss. Yet there are too few of us that do.
The majority of my brothers are suffering from the same cognitive dissonance that I suffered from all those years ago. The conditioning we were taught as young boys is only exasperating things. We were never taught the correct emotional coping mechanisms to adjust to changing roles because we were never taught to consider women as sexual beings.
I’ll give you an example.
Have you ever thought about your mother in the throes of passion? Or your mother taking your father’s cock in her mouth? Or even your mother having lovers?
Does it make you cringe? It used to make me cringe but now I’m like “good for you Mom!”
All of a sudden they went from having zero women in their life to dancing nearly every weekend with women at their sides.
I have to admit when I first figured out that my mother and father had sex to have me, I was horrified. Now as a parent, I have age-appropriate talks with my kids about sex, love, and relationships. I don’t want them to be horrified to know that their mother and I have a deep and active love life.
Why? Because it’s normal and healthy. I don’t want my daughter to fall into the same trap that many young women fall into and not realize her full sexual agency. I don’t want my son to be trapped by the patriarchy, I want him to be in full control of his emotional capabilities. I want them to be whole human beings and enjoy this short time we have on this earth together.
I want them to dance through life.
Men, Learn to Dance
I got an interesting piece of advice when I lived in New Mexico. A coworker told me that I should learn how to country and western dance. He told when he was my age he was single. He and a buddy went to a country and western dance bar for a drink one night. What he saw that night forever changed him.
He saw all these beautiful women, dressed up, on the dance floor. They were dancing with their friends, having a great time. Where were the men? They were at the bar drinking beer and watching the women having a great time. They were wallflowers, afraid to venture out on the floor and engage with the ladies.
The world turned for him when he saw a single-man line dancing with his partner. The two were having a great time and when the dance was over, another woman took her place. He then danced with his new partner and with a new woman after each song. This went on throughout the night with all these ladies.
the women of today want to do the Tango, the Salsa, all the seductive and sexually charged dances.
It dawned on him that he and his friend should learn to dance, and they did. All of a sudden they went from having zero women in their life to dancing nearly every weekend with women at their sides.
While we never talked if his dance partners became lovers — and I suspect some did — he learned a valuable lesson. You need to learn the dance, the love language of the times, and just get out there!
Don’t be stuck in the way your father danced, times are different. The Jitterbug is quaint, the women of today want to do the Tango, the Salsa, all the seductive and sexually charged dances.
Get your ass out on the dance floor.
What should you do? Learn the dances, metaphorically speaking.
I’ve written this before but I believe, deep down in my core, that life is a dance. Life is playful and it’s meant to be enjoyed.
The same can be said for sex. It’s playful and it’s meant to be enjoyed. We have sex for so many reasons, sometimes it’s with other partners, sometimes it’s just for fun, and sometimes it’s to bond closer.
Men, our roles are changing and women are asking for us to come out on the dance floor. Don’t sit at the bar, don’t be a wallflower. Yes, the rules of engagement are different now, but they are better.
Get your ass out on the dance floor. Learn the new dances the women want to enjoy and enjoy them with them. I promise you, the sex will be mind-blowing.