The Core of Humanity: Sex and Sexuality

Sex and intimacy with or without a connection can heal you. It can help you express your Sexuality, your true authentic humanity.

The Core of Humanity: Sex and Sexuality
Photo by Sabina Tone / Unsplash

Zara Everly made a great post about writing on the topic of sex. There was one line that resonated with me:

Here is the thing: sexuality is the core of our humanity (Let's talk about Sex Writing)

Then I read Demeter deLune's post on Connection and Sex; Why It Doesn't Have to be Love:

Remember, having an emotional bond with someone isn't the same as having or wanting a romantic relationship with them. You might have an emotional bond with someone and feel sexually attracted to them, but not necessarily want a romantic relationship with that person.

Both articles and the quotes I pulled gave me pause and reflection.

Let's start at the beginning.

Growing up the sex = marriage, romance = dating equation was imprinted on me. Sexuality was just this: cis-hetro-normative. Everything else was deviant.

Men were to woo women, get engaged, get married (to prove you weren't gay), get your wife pregnant, work a lot, and then complain about an unhappy marriage.

But what about just having sex with someone because you think they're hot or because you have an itch to scratch?

Wash, rinse, and repeat. Life felt like a set of finish lines that you were constantly trying to get to.

The sad fact is that we've been conditioned that life is race, when in fact it's a dance. We are meant to dance with one another. Sometimes with other partners, sometimes just for fun, and sometimes to bond closer.

Love, Sex, and Romance

There's NO DOUBT in my mind that having a deep emotional bond (i.e. love of varying degrees) with someone and having sex with them can be mind-blowing. In all the good ways that we've (hopefully) have experienced.

But what about just having sex with someone because you think they're hot or because you have an itch to scratch? Can that be mind-blowing as well?

Yes.

This is where I stumbled in the past, suffering from the ill effects of a cult, I thought that in order to have fulfilling sex you need to have an emotional bond - and in marriage and because God said so.

Well, Fuck the JW God, metaphorically.

Let's illustrate the point even further with this r/sexover30 post.

I (30s F) have always considered myself to be super sexual. The majority of my relationships have been very sexual to point where the sex was the main thing holding the relationship together. While those relationships were extremely exciting, they were usually dysfunctional and with completely unavailable partners who could not give me the romantic love and partnership I wanted.

and,

The sex I want to have with my current partner is intimate and maybe even spiritual. However, the whole thing feels like a puzzle that don't know how to solve. I feel like I am struggling to connect sex and love. My sexuality feels like a totally separate private thing and I don't know how to integrate it into my relationship in a real way. (emphasis mine)

The comments are very positive and holistic as many Bodhisattvas came to her aid. This one response sticks out:

It sounds like you are bang flat up against the wall of intimacy: on one side love and emotional comfort; on the other, sexual desire and passion. (via properfckr)

The original poster is trying to reconcile the love + comfort and sexual desire + passion part together, and probably hoping that the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts.

That's the ideal situation, I think we all want to have the romance + connection and the crazy wild passionate sex. That's the ideal, isn't it? That's the finish line, right?

Right?!?!

Sexuality is the Core of Humanity

Ever since we hit puberty, we all got interested in sex. This was the time when we started to feel attraction to people of the opposite or same gender or felt like we weren't in the right body.

Our desire for intimacy, at all different levels, has our sexuality at its core.

This beautiful and confusing time is Nature's gift for us and in my humble opinion, a way for us to connect to the Divine.

Who remembers their first time? Was it all romance, passion, and unicorn rainbows? Probably not. For me, it was a terrible time with my first sex partner. After laying there and letting me enter her, she said, "Ok, done! Get off me now." Note, this was consensual for both of us but very disappointing, and confusing.

So the first time is usually bad but then you have more sex over time. Then you start searching for meaning in it. There's always the questions like "Is this the one?" or "The sex was mind-blowing but I don't know about this guy/girl."

You can have sex just to have sex with someone, enjoy the orgasms, chill, and move on with your life.

You start searching for a partner, someone you might want to build a life with, or you go from partner to partner relishing each encounter, each sensation, each naughty thing you do together.

Is there a correct answer here? I used to think so, but now I know that there is no one right answer.

The one common thing between all these competing ideals, sensations, romances, lusts, and whatever is floating your boat is this: our desire for intimacy, at all different levels, has our sexuality at its core.

For clarity's sake, Sexuality is who you are. It's your identity of masculine, feminine, or genderless energy. It's hetero-cis, it's LGBTQ+, it's what makes you human.

Sex with or without a connection can heal you.

Sex is how you express your humanity. It's the intimacy you want to share with someone. Sex is the glue, sexuality is the glue you make inside you.

Sex (i.e. intimacy) is nothing more than the connection, whereas Sexuality is the impetus of the connection not the strength or quality of the connection.

You can be romantic and care deeply for someone without wanting to have sex with them. Or you can be romantic and care deeply for someone and want to have sex with them.

You can have sex just to have sex with someone, enjoy the orgasms, chill, and move on with your life.

The only thing that's common between these two examples is the level and quality of the sex and intimacy.

And guess what? YOU get to decide the level and quality of sex and intimacy.

Sex as Healing

If we clarify that the act of sex is truly separate from romance, love, fucking, religion, and marriage, then we can look to see how it can heal us.

Perhaps this was the intent of Nature's true gift for us after all. Sex and intimacy as healing of our physical, emotional, and spiritual wounds.

It can help you express your Sexuality, your true authentic humanity.

Are you at the top of your physical game, all buff, and fit? How about finding a similar fit partner and explore how having sex can resonate with every fiber of your body.

Just got out of a long-term relationship and miss the loving connection you had with your ex? Find a fling that focuses on passion and a good 'rogering' to help you move on.

The list can go on and on but here's the thing: Sex and intimacy with or without a connection can heal you. It can help you express your Sexuality, your true authentic humanity.

It can help you overcome, grieve, bond closer, tingle your senses, explore new sensations, and connect you to the Divine. I mean, who doesn't feel on top of the world after a good (and consensual) you-know-what!

Use Nature's gift, don't squander the healing power of it. Cultivate, use it, and use it truly heal yourself.

I'll see you on the other side.


Thank you to Zara Everly and Demeter deLune for inspiring this post.