Prime Butt Rubbing Opportunity

Seascape, © 2021 Thomas Ott

Why the little things matter in a long term relationship

I recently commented on Yael Wolfe’s article about passionate declarations to the special women in your life.

It was regarding this particular passage in her essay:

“I’m talking about walking into that kitchen after work where she’s already cooking dinner and asking, while you pour her a drink, “Tell me about your day.”

My comment was:

“That’s a prime butt rubbing opportunity. lol.”

Granted the reply is a bit cheeky (that’s the Scorpio in me) but it brings up a more important topic. I’m talking about the ongoing love and affection for lovers and partners in a long-term relationship.

Dead bedrooms are insidious, they creep in like rust and whittle away at any desire or passion you have for one another.

I’ve been married now for over 17 years and for the most part, it’s been a pretty good adventure. We’ve grown as people, supported each other, became parents, and have built a wonderful life together. Just like any married couple we’ve had our share of ups and downs, stresses, and domestic squabbles.


There was a span of a few years where things looked a bit bleak on the romance front, sex took a backseat in our marriage. We both loved it but it wasn’t as frequent as we both liked. We weren’t in sync.

Sadly, the specter of a dead bedroom loomed outside our bedroom door. For those who don’t know, a dead bedroom is classified as having sex only 10 times a year, less than once a month. We weren’t there yet but the trend was heading in that direction and it wasn’t good.

Dead bedrooms are insidious, they creep in like rust and whittle away at any desire or passion you have for one another. There are a million reasons why it happens: working too much, raising kids, laundry, chores, etc, and they’re often a cause of cheating and divorce.

Romance, passion, and lust suddenly flickered back to life.

As a parent, I get it. We’re so busy with too many things that we collapse into bed at the end of the day, exhausted, and the last thing you want to do is have sexy time. So before you know it you’re having sex once a month. Then once every two months.

From Dead to Passionate Again

Breaking free from a dead bedroom takes work and both parts of the couple need to want to do it. There are many ways to do it, counseling and even scheduling sex, but we didn’t pursue those options. I know, sometimes you have to grease the wheels to get the engine going, but for us, it was much simpler. All it took was a simple kiss.

A simple but passionate kiss.

With that kiss, we rediscovered the spark that brought us together in the first place. Romance, passion, and lust suddenly flickered back to life. We got so busy with all the noise of life that we forgot to sing our metaphorical love songs to one another. We forgot how to be seduced by our love language for one another. We forgot what it was like to be connected on such a deep and vulnerable level.

We all need those kisses, those touches…

Crisis averted. The rest I’ll leave up to your imagination.

It’s been said that sex is like the icing on a cake, it’s not the entire cake but it can make or break the cake. Our stoking of our relationship embers back to life has started a sex renaissance for us, and it’s been pure bliss.

So what’s up with my prime butt rubbing comment? It was the main impetus of this post, wasn’t it? It’s just my way to highlight how important simple gestures of love and affection are to your long-term partners.

We all need those kisses, those touches (butt or no butt), and those small acts of love to reinforce your intent for one another.

It’s a way of saying, “Hey, I’m still here and I think you’re sexy and I love you.

…and it needs to be bidirectional and frequent!

I believe that sex is a key to the divine and the love you create together is the dance of life. Use that key to open your door and waltz in with your partner. There is no doubt in my mind that you will feel connected to each other in deep and passionate ways again.

You can do it.

Start small.

Start with a kiss.

Then kiss like you mean it.

Thank you to Yael Wolfe for inspiring this post.

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