Stoking the coals at a moment’s notice
I’m a big Reddit reader. I probably waste a lot of time there, more so than Facebook, mostly because it’s not heavily censored and you can free the nipple there too!
The neat thing about Reddit is that if you have a particular interest in something (castiron, bento boxes, bonsai, etc) there’s probably a subreddit for it. You can geek out or even get learn a lot on the r/AMA subreddits (Ask Me Anything). It’s no surprise that in addition to r/castiron, r/bento, and r/bonsai, I’m also a reader of r/sex, r/sexover30, and r/sexover40 subreddits.
Recently on an r/sex post, there was a woman that had sex for the first time. It was such a terrible experience for her that she cried on the car ride home. I felt bad for her and many Redditors rushed to her with aid, support, and advice.
Get so hot and bothered that you want to fuck on a deep and primal instinctual level.
Advice they gave her ranged from “the first time will always be bad, but now you have a baseline to get better” to “remember you can say ‘no’ at any time,” but there was one piece of advice that stood out for me, it was this:
“My best sex tip is to let it be a slow burn. Kiss until you’re super turned on. Move on to touching and foreplay, maybe oral. If this goes well and you’re still super turned on, keep teasing until you want them so bad you can’t wait another second before PIV. That’s the trick: Get so hot and bothered that you want to fuck on a deep and primal instinctual level. (emphasis mine, link here)
Kissing, the Slow Burn
Kissing, just saying that world might conjure up memories of a hot make-out session or a tender but deep soul-stirring in the throes of passion. Whatever memories it stirs for you, you will remember the best and worst ones.
Kissing to me is deeply intimate and I tend to categorize it into four main buckets. The hot kiss, the slow burn, the plain old kiss, and the perfunctory kiss.
If you and the person you are kissing remain aligned, sex will come soon afterward.
Let’s start with the last one. the perfunctory kiss is just a kiss you exchange with someone because you think it’s expected of you. There’s no passion or real emotional connection behind it, much like the woman’s first experience showed. The guy kissed her, stuck his dick in, and everything was over in 20 minutes.
Often when marriages or relationships start to wither, it’s the perfunctory kiss that’s the canary in the coal mine. For whatever reason, the kisser is going through the motions of what society expects of him or her to do. The emotional connection is gone.
The next kiss is the plain-old kiss. This one isn’t bad, it’s like when grandma kisses her grandkids or you give a kiss on the cheek to a friend you haven’t seen in a while. It indicates an emotional bond but to varying degrees. Grandma loves her grandchildren more than you might your long-lost friend, but there is some emotional connection to both these situations.
Before we get to the slow burn kiss, let’s get to the hot kiss. These are some of my favorite ones but they tend to come at the beginning of a relationship. You meet someone, you connect, you can’t stop thinking about them, and then you kiss for the first time.
BOOM! The stars align, the world moves, and you can’t get enough of each other’s lips. You can feel the heat rising inside your body and the hormones are raging. If you and the person you are kissing remain aligned, sex will come soon afterward.
The last one, the slow burn kiss, is perhaps the most important one for any relationship. It’s what comes after the hot kiss and you’ve had sex. It’s the kiss that keeps that fire you found yourself consumed in, burning. Sure the fire dies down over time, and it does — ask anyone with kids — but you should be able to stoke the coals at a moment’s notice. This applies to both (or more) partners in the relationship.
In my relationship with my wife, the slow burn kiss is the one I give to her on her neck or shoulders. Her slow-burn kiss to me is a lingering one on my lips. Those kisses communicate so many things that can’t be said, and well, set us in a mood for sexy time later.
That slow burn kiss works for us but yours will be different for you because everyone is different. This is why you need to understand your partner/lover more than just “penis goes into vagina (PIV), kiss a few times, and be done with it.” Assuming you’re a cis-het couple.
Instead, do as the Redditor advised, “Get so hot and bothered that you want to fuck on a deep and primal instinctual level.”